Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Welcome to Mayberry

In a few days I am going back to North Carolina and will be speaking my mother tongue - Southernese.

I thought that I'd share with you some observations I found online about Southernese. (I'd give credit to the site - but it has some other *objectionable* content.) Maybe they should have ulpan in the South for transplanted Yankees?...

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them you "pitch" them.

Only a Southerner can show or point to you the general direction of "yonder".

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 10.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

Even Southern babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real "humdinger" (crisis) they also know to add a large banana puddin'.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. (This also works in Israel!)

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea", (we do not like our tea unsweetened) sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 25 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.


At 12/06/2005 12:31 PM, Anonymous Shirat_HaSirena said...

AHHHHHHHHH! You hit that nail right on the head! Thanks for the friendly reminders of my former life...I do miss it sometimes. And I do love it when I get phone calls from back home...sometimes the voicemails are just so cute I share them with my Israeli boyfriend who can't understand a single word of Southernese...that good ole' Southern drawwwwwwwwl.

When do you leave and when do you return?? Can you pack me in your suitcase and drop me at my parents' house? ;)

At 12/06/2005 1:05 PM, Blogger Savtadotty said...

Y'all come back real soon!

At 12/06/2005 2:38 PM, Blogger Sam said...

You've been a busy blogger! I hope we get to meet when you get in town.

Don't forget: A true Southerner doesn't use street names when giving directions, only landmarks and sometimes where landmarks used to be.

At 12/06/2005 3:12 PM, Blogger John said...

Wanted to clarify: I am just going to NC for a visit. I'll be back in Jerusalem after Christmas.

At 12/06/2005 6:43 PM, Blogger Donnie said...

I wish I was a Southerner - I've always thought they were adorable. Have fun in NC!

At 12/07/2005 1:24 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

This blog is so true! Even living in Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, nothing is the same as being in rural N.C. When I first moved back last year I could hear everyone's thick drawl. Now I don't hear it at all. Which means that I have gotten it back to! I ask Bella (my dog) to "give me some sugar" all the time! She knows exactly what it means.


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